i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
