If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize