Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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