How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
