I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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