Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
