So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
