I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We were destined to go to rehab together
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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