what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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