My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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