just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
