dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
