I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
