omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So much Jack, so little girl.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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