my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
