so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
