I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
