Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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