This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
