I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I could fuck to npr.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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