the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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