Screwed.edu
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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