dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
