My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i barfeds in our rink
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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