So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
