it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
