I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
