Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
