I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
