My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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