I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
