The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
