so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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