High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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