Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
