He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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