Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
