Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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