I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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