i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
