she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
