Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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