please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
