i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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