I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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