today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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