ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
