He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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