I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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