So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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