Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
