youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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