You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
