This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
