who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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