i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
