I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
