Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
