I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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