He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
