WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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