how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
