i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So apparently I’m into choking now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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